Men in Tights: Wrestlemania XXIX Predictions

Wooooo.

I guess I could be called a closet wrestling viewer. I don’t necessarily hide the fact that I enjoy watching it, but I certainly don’t bring it up, since wrestling isn’t really something that’s generally seen as cool any more. Anyway, at the time I’m starting to write this post, Wrestlemania is about an hour away, so I figured I’d post some predictions. So here we go:

Pre-show:

  1. Wade Barrett vs The Miz for the Intercontinental Championship.
    As sad as I am to say it, The Miz is likely winning here. Faces win more at Mania, and Barrett hasn’t been given any respect as an IC champ. Lazy booking makes this feud a snoozer, and the crowd will likely care very little. Also, the fact that this match is on the pre-show is a disgrace to the prestige of the Intercontinental title. Winner: Miz wins with his dreadful Figure Four.
  2. Tons of Funk + Funkadactyls vs Team Rhodes Scholars + Bella Twins
    Waste of talent in this match that should be on the pre-show. Rhodes and Sandow should be the ones challenging for the tag titles, but instead they are facing a comedy quartet. Bella Twins I couldn’t care less about as they’re clearly just eye candy and they’re not even that attractive to begin with. Winners: Tons of Funk + Funkadactyls win and dance with children.

Main Show:

  1. Team Hell No (Kane and Daniel Bryan) vs Dolph Ziggler and Big E Langston (with AJ Lee in their corner)
    I’m assuming that WWE Creative has some intelligence and places this match first, because 1: It gives more interest to the ADR vs Swagger match later with the threat of a cash-in looming and 2: It frees up Kane to have a role in ‘Taker vs Punk. This match shouldn’t be. It should be Team Hell No vs Team Rhodes Scholars, as they already have back-story and excellent chemistry. This match should still be quite a spectacle with all men being good workers. Winners: Hell No retains and hopefully goes on to lose the titles at Extreme Rules against PTP or Rhodes Scholars.
  2. Ryback vs Mark Henry
    This rivalry has actually been pretty fun even if the match is awfully predictable. WWE is building Ryback into a top star and Henry is a monster hurdle for him to clear. Winner: Ryback wins and gets a WM-moment whenhe gives the Shell-Shock to Mark Henry, and “Feed me More” chants roar through the stadium.
  3. Fandango vs Chris Jericho
    Johnny Curtis is a spectacular talent. Even when handed an outrageous gimmick like Fandango, he gives his all and gives great performances. He’s been given “You Can’t Wrestle” chants, which is confusing as he’s a great in-ring worker. He’s been booked to get the upper hand on Y2J (my favourite wrestler, btw) in the entire feud, so Jericho could pick up a victory to extend the rivalry, but really I think Fandango will win in a great bout that might be Match of the Night. Winner: Fandango.
  4. The Shield vs Randy Orton, Sheamus, and Big Show
    The Shield has been a great stable so far and one of the best thing in wrestling today, but they have been a bit stale lately. Hopefully they start changing their game up a bit after their inevitable win here. The big question about the match is what the alignments will be after. Lots of fans have been clamouring for a Randy Orton heel turn, but it feels too predictable. However, I wouldn’t say no to a Randy Orton vs Sheamus match at Extreme Rules. Winners: The Shield, and no heel turn by Orton.
  5. CM Punk vs The Undertaker for The Streak
    I see this match showing up earlier that expected to get the crowd hot, and HHH’s ego means that his match with Lesnar will likely take place before Cena vs Rock II, and it’s a good choice to be the penultimate match with its personal nature. The Streak has been going strong for 20+ years now, and now Undertaker meets one of the hottest stars of today in CM Punk. In January Punk’s 400+ day WWE title reign ended (the longest in 25 years or so), and he now sets his sights on one of the top things at Wrestlemania, The Streak. In 20 matches at Wrestlemania, the Undertaker as won 20 and lost 0. Incredible statistics. One debate that has popped up is “Should the streak end to give respect to a younger star, or should it end with a perfect record?” and for the longest time, I have firmly believed that it should end intact, but in recent months I’ve changed my mind. CM Punk winning the streak would make him a living legend. A lot of fans would hate it and lots would love it. CM Punk gains more from winning than Undertaker does. No one’s going to think of Undertaker any better than they already do, and especially if the WM XXX match is planned to be against John Cena, The Streak should come to an end tonight. I’ll go rather bold and pick Punk, with a possible Kane run-in to set up Kane vs Undertaker for the last time at Wrestlemania XXX. Winner: CM Punk.
  6. Alberto Del Rio (with Ricardo Rodriguez) vs Jack Swagger (with Zeb Coulter) for the World Heavyweight Championship
    I’ve been a big fan of ADR’s face turn so far and he’s going well in the feud against Swagger. Swagger’s reappearance and push have been fantastic and his promo ability has shot through the roof. That said, the feud has kind of cooled down in the last week, with Monday’s attack from Swagger and Coulter on Del Rio kind of falling flat. Winner: Alberto Del Rio, leading to a rematch at Extreme Rules. No successful cash in by Ziggler.
  7. Triple H vs Brock Lesnar (No Holds Barred)
    I don’t much care for how this feud has been built, but a No Holds Barred match between these two could be really cool. Maybe we’ll even see some blood flow? Shawn Michaels is in Hunter’s corner, which could come into play, but I hope it doesn’t. Winner: Brock Lesnar.
  8. John Cena vs The Rock for the WWE Title
    I don’t care. I really don’t care who will win this match. John Cena has produced some comments in interviews that tell me he has no idea how to tell a story and how a program should work, so I’m anti-Cena for life, even if the dreamed-about heel turn happens. The Rock hasn’t been on the level we’re used to in this return. One good promo between these guys last week, but this week it was just John Cena back to his awful self. Winner: John Cena, because it’s just the way stories like this go.

And that’s that. Hope it’s a good show at least. I guess extra matches could be added, like Antonio Cesaro vs random dude (possibly Christian) and Kaitlyn vs AJ for the Diva’s title.

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